The Leader of the Band

Lately, I’ve been hearing this song played on random places a lot. And for some reason, whenever I hear this song, I always think of my Dad, and how I will sing this song with him in mind for as long as I live, even after he’s gone.

I feel I haven’t made my Dad feel that I care about him. Sometimes, it hurts me that he might even think that I dislike him just like how my other older siblings do. I really don’t want him to feel that way, because even though we have never been the straightforward “I love you” kind of kin, I sincerely care for and love my Dad.

You can say that my Dad is the typical, filipino, macho Dad who doesn’t cuddle, doesn’t say cheesy stuff, not even “thank you”. He is the type of Dad who barely even shows his appreciation, and when he does, it’s not very easy to understand. He’s not easy to please, either, because he has high expectations of his kids and never dreams of seeing his children grow up to be like his own siblings.

Right now, Dad is outside, singing and playing music on his guitar. He hasn’t done that in a while, I’m not really sure what’s going on. He could be stressed out, or he could be extremely happy, I’m not sure which. His sudden interest in his guitar after leaving it to collect dust in one corner of the house makes me wonder what could he be thinking. The problem is, I have no strength to ask him, because I don’t think he’s going to answer me anyway…

I love my Dad. I know I should be telling him this instead of writing it down, but I really can’t say it. I just feel like wanting to say it out loud now, even if he can’t hear it. I want him to know I don’t hate him and have never intended to make him feel like I’m teaming up with Mom and my older siblings against him, because the least I would want for this family is cultivate conflict among ourselves. I want to apologize to him and mom for the embarrassing mistakes I did (deliberately) in the past, and I want them to know that I still aspire to give them a better life when they get older and have fun while they’re still strong. I want them both to stay healthy, and that I don’t mind even if he sounds different now when he sings because of his dentures, because he has always been my inspiration to learn music. He’s the very reason why I love music so much, and he has taught me how wonderful it is to love music. I hope he never stops singing and playing his guitar. And I hope someday, I’d get to hear him say how proud he is of me.

 

<—end of dramatic monologue –>

 

xoxo

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