Hello, you. It’s been a while.
You must be surprised why I’m writing this now. Why now? Why only now?
To be perfectly honest, since I left, many years ago, there had been moments when I look back and suddenly wonder how you are doing. Right out of the blue. I just shrink back into my own Mind Palace, and wonder.
I want to begin with saying that I have many regrets for what I have done to you and to our friendship, and that, knowing you, you deserve absolutely none of it. You are a kind person. As a matter of fact, I’ve yet to meet another person who is as genuinely good and undeniably selfless as I’ve known you to be. But as wonderful of a person as you are, after all that has transpired, I suppose, we can never be more than friends. And unfortunately for me, the stupid, slow-thinking, selfish, sick-minded, and mentally unstable me, I kind of, sort of made sure, that can’t happen either. Not anymore.
Why am I writing this again? I’ve always wondered how I could get my thoughts across without being an uncomfortable presence in your seemingly happy life. Seemingly, I emphasize, since I’ve never bothered asking common friends how you are doing. And just today, completely out of the blue, I saw you on a friend’s Friends List on social media, and naturally, I clicked on your name and looked up your news feed.
Yeah, you do look pretty happy to me. I’m glad.
So maybe, I said to myself minutes later, I could write you an apology letter now. With all the happiness you’ve currently surrounded yourself with, not a single bad juju with my name and face on it would be horrible enough to ruin your life.
I tend to deviate from my main purpose whenever I write. This is one of the reasons why I consider myself to be an awful technical writer. I could write a song about this, I think. You know what, I might actually write a song about this later. Doesn’t seem to be a bad idea, does it?
So, back to deviating, I’m going to put together everything that I want to say in a maximum of five bullet points. Five, because I don’t want to feel that I have to say more. Anything beyond five are probably not that important anyway. So I have to do my best in picking only the best ones.
First. I’m sorry. I was too much of an asshole to say it then. I thought that maybe if I just disappear, everything will fall back into place and will return to normalcy with time. I couldn’t break us off, because I saw how happy you were whenever we were together, and I honestly didn’t want to be the dick who hurts you… which I still managed to do in the end, by the way. So, I’m sorry. For leaving without a word, for chickening out and having no courage to say that I don’t want to be in that relationship anymore. I’m sorry for even encouraging the idea of us dating. That is one of my biggest regrets. Had I been smarter then, I would have preferred us to just stay friends. You are a great friend. And I kind of miss hanging out with you. We had a lot of things in common, or maybe I’m the only one, but I genuinely do think that. I have a soft spot for your folks, too, so disappointing them was one of the reasons why I couldn’t officially break it off. They’re great people, and it’s nice to know they worked hard to raise a decent person, that you are. And I don’t deserve to be in a circle of good people. Especially not during that time when I was rash, careless, and horribly carefree. I’ve always had this thing where, no matter what I do, when people whom I care about have high expectations of me are involved, I dread the idea of shaming them, letting them down or disappointing them. I can feel a stomach ache developing as an image of you explaining to your folks why we’re no longer hanging out is being conjured up by my rebellious occipital lobe. I’m not sure if you still tried to put in a good word for me or not, but I hope you said horrible things that made them think I’m the most vile person in the world. I wouldn’t have liked that. But, go on. I deserve it.
Second. I don’t remember seeing someone else while I was with you. But I do remember seeing someone immediately after I decided to disappear. Perhaps I did this subconsciously to make things even between us: Me leaving, hurting you in the process, and me seeking an abusive relationship as my punishment. People often tell me I’m a smart girl, but, dang, they’re wrong. And what I got myself into back then was textbook case of “biting off more than one can chew” scenario. I’m just glad I got pulled out of that shit hole of a place, and I’m grateful that I still have the same person on my side, enduring my endless quirks and neuroses.
I doubt this has any significance to you anymore. My current partner would always say that I always think about no one else but myself, so I suppose this little prose here is a clear manifestation of just that. Again, I’m sorry.
Third. I didn’t have to write to you. If I had been thinking about anything other than myself and my own benefit, I wouldn’t have created this post in the first place. There was no need to write an apology letter for a fault committed several years ago. But I just had to find out if I am the only one who still feels or thinks this way. It must be the guilt, or maybe I’m simply asking, begging, waiting for something to happen.
But I will not ask, nor beg, not wait. For